Monday, December 29, 2008

Brace yourself...I am broken

So...where do I start??? I will post some photo's of the past month and let you see our fun trip to Vail for Thanksgiving and of course heading into December with Aaron's parents living here for three weeks...then we go straight into Christmas. But today I need to blog something on my heart. I feel as if the Lord has brought me to another breaking point in my life. I can fondly remember praying to be broken because I knew I needed certain points in my walk with the Lord. This time...I didn't pray for it. But deep inside the Holy Spirit has reminded me that I really want to be broken. I do love refinement, especially if it means I can be more like Him. So the things that really happened to open my eyes are somewhat sad and painful. On December 14th Dad and Mum (Aaron's parents) the kids, and I headed to church that morning...Aaron has to work so we're praying this church we love will start an early service so he can come with us, but for now he goes to our couples Bible study....anyway. I was in a rush to leave and placed my bible in it's case and notebook on the roof of the car and hopped in the back seat between the kids. And about a block from the church I realized it wasn't with me. Let me say that typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. That bible was given to me as part of Aaron's proposal to me. When I was 11 years old I had written a prayer and some might say a "Gideon" challenge to the Lord. I said that I wanted a clear sign that the man I was to marry was from the Lord. I asked that I would be proposed to with a new bible with my first name and a space for his last name to become mine. I never told Aaron this. It had to be between me and the Lord...and a few close girlfriends. The night he proposed was amazing. It was on my college campus, CSU!!!, at the chapel I'd spent almost every day at alone with the Lord. That bible was sitting outside on a small table with rose pedals all over the ground, candles leading into the outer porch which was drapped in red ribbon and surrounded with white sheets. It had a single red rose in the middle of it and was oppen to Ephesians 5 with a special bookmark in it. When he asked me "do you know what that is?" I of course was playing like it wasn't really happening..."a bible"...."Ephesians".... "'s yours.." I picked it up and many things clicked. We'd never said I love you because we agreed that those words had been used loosely in our past and we wanted to mean it completely. So we'd never given each other red roses...ever! Of course we didn't kiss right than because we had our first kiss/makeout session at our wedding! Well worth it. But I looked at the outside of that bible and only my first name was on it! He needn't say another word. I knew...but did he could he? He had no idea of my "Gideon" challenge...He just felt I needed a new bible. Inside that bible is his first love letter with "I love you" written in it for his proposal. Along with leaves, pedals, letters, pictures and many of my notes and special dates written in it...and it's gone. I've posted posters along the roads out of the neighborhood and driven the drive at least six times. I posted a notice on craigslist and checked the Coloradoan every day. It's gone. I'm so unbelievably sad.
So I began to wonder why I miss something that I haven't spent much time in this past ....long while! I then press on and here comes the holidays. On December 19th I wake up with some serious lower back pain. Inside though and not in my bones. My usual answer to this pain is walk it off or take a Tylenol and nap when the kids sleep. I assume it's fun constipation from have my kiddos...had it ever since Malachi was born. didn't go away and when I peed it burned. So I'm begining to not be able to stand so I call the doc and they say I have to rush to urgent Aaron comes home and we drive way across town...have my urine test while I'm screaming and moaning in pain...just infection and they say I need to get to the ER. Yep...near our house. And we catch traffic. Sweet Malachi had noticed I was in some sort of mess and said to me at home when I was laying on the floor waiting for Aaron..."mommy, I so sorry you're hurting."...but from then on was himself and kept repeating my moans and's ok. Rachel on the other hand was very concerned. She kept patting me and saying "momma" So I hop into the ER wheelchair and finally get in...the hospital was full. So my sis took the kids and Aaron and I spent a very long night in the hospital. After six hours in triage and a catscan I had apparently a extremely large kidney stone that would never pass and was probably there a very long time. So the next day I had surgery to remove it and a stint put in. I was on morphine in the hospital which didn't help until they'd given me about seven shots. Yeh...labor was easier in so many ways...and I had no epidural. So the week of holidays and family I was on vicodin, nausua meds and antibiodics. It was not fun. Although I am so thankful there was some fam here to help me with the kids I missed out on having the fun CHRISTmas in our first home I really wanted to have.
I am better now. I have some pain and I do have more tests to do....apparently my kidney stone was supposed to only contain 5-10% calcium phosphate and it was somewhere around 95% and the doc is very concerned. So I will see what that's all about and go from there. But today...I know that I am broken. I have not been in the Word consistantly in so long it angers me. The Lord has been with me so long in my life I remember calling Him my only Love. And it was how I understood being single and I had brought that into marriage in the sense that I love the Lord before my husband and love my husband before my kids. I miss that great drive I used to get to tell people about the Lord Jesus and my testimony...I miss the conversations I had with the Lord through His Word. And yet He reminds me now that we've talked every day. He's my first love and will always be...and He will never fail me. EVER. He is why I am the way I am...why my husband is so amazing, and why I'm here at this point....telling you I'm broken. Although that Bible means so much to me that's not the reason I said yes to way! Aaron loves the Lord above anything and anyone and lives for Him in all he does. His passion for the Word and knowledge of what the Lord's teaching him through it is amazing. When I knew I'd marry him...the day we started courting, it wasn't that I needed a "sign" in the form of a bible I knew Aaron was it because he loved the Lord, the Word, and was full of joy and humble and had a wonderfully fun sense of humor. And I miss that bible because it is special and I pray that the person that found it kept it to read. I really hope it guides them to know the Man I've loved most of my life and lived for, no matter what any friend or stranger thought of me. He loves me unconditionally and died for me. That's amazing. So...I sit here tonight I have my old beat up bible I gave to Aaron the night of our wedding and know it's still His Word. That's all I need. That refreshing sweet Word of the Lord and even though the outside of that bible doesn't have my married still was me...but I am who I am now...a wife, mom...lover of Jesus Christ. So....that is why I am broken...and I think I'm so happy to be.

When will I just trust.....

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